Colleen Hannegan

Finding the words....and the perfect pair of glasses.

Girl on BIke

Can you ever be 100% anything?

Colleen HanneganComment

Doubt and me are frequent walking companions. My morning power walks in nature (sometimes I walk on concrete but prefer dirt), is my time for solo mind chatter. No human to dicuss my life with, no feedback from a sympathizer (girlfriend, boyfriend, sister, daughter), just me and SHE and doubt. I refer to the Greater Power than me, as SHE.

I find it's the best way to question everything. Oftentimes I talk it all out loud. Other times I'm just thinking, thinking, thinking. It may sound much like whining, (it could be), or praying, (help me help me help me,) but mostly I've started to become AWARE of how much of my early morning outdoor ramblings are doubt-based. 

So let's back up sixty minutes. When my sleeping mind transforms back to a waking mind and 5 a.m. stirs my soul. And my first thoughts are all about LOVE and healing and my deepest desires to connect with WOW POWER and G-D and the UNIVERSE. And I feel it from the soles of my feet  traveling up and through all parts of me.  And I know PEACE and faith and hope and the pure  deliciousness of being human and part of all creation. And I know how to receive it and spread it outward to my loved ones. Yeah, I know that's alot before breakfast.  But I've learned through the years, that I received a big dose of DIVINE KNOWING the day I was born. Lucky me. 

So here I am out on my walks, and I'm all about the doubt, 'bout the doubt, no kidding, I'm all about the doubt, 'bout the doubt. And I wonder why am I not 100% LOVE POWER AND ABSOLUTE SURENESS all the time, especially when my first thoughts are so juicy positive and powerful?  I don't know. All the time. 

So I decided to allow myself to doubt out loud as I start on my walks, but when it's time to turn and head back, I have to SHUT UP and LISTEN. What I've learned is, it's positively okay to be doubtful and look at the negative side of life and to vent and wonder and wrestle with my choices. It's part of my human experience. As long as I allow equal time for quiet trust, faithful reflection and acceptance. The listening is soooo rewarding.

By the time I get home it always feels like my daily doubt got left behind out there and recycled into something much more useful.

If it only lasts 24 hours, that's okay. Doubt and me go way back, but making friends with her has most definitely lightened my load over the years.

 

Batter, up!

Colleen HanneganComment

That's the feeling I carry with me this week. One more time, I'm standing up to bat in a new game, a new chapter, a new inning in my game of life.

My memoir is due out this month. After seven years in the works...(more like five decades in the making!), four editors, numerous coaches, self-help classes and retreats that number more than my toes and fingers, I'm standing up to launch my book into the field of a zillion other books and memoirs, among great and unknown authors alike. Why would I attempt what I have never attempted so far in life and at this later stage? 

I've wondered at many 3am wake-ups this very thing. Why am I willing to risk so much time and money, the hours and effort on such a grand endeavor?  

Because I have a dream. Or maybe it's I had a dream when I was a young woman about how fabulous it would be to write and interest others in my experiences, revelations of life's wonder and magic and in the different places and people I meet along the way. And that at my mid-life juncture this dream came back to me and could no longer be shelved in that place of unlived desire and wishes unfulfilled. It demanded I live it, no matter what. 

So I lived and so I write. And in the telling of my mistakes and success, crisis and healing, the magic proved to be still alive and well in the girl within, who will not shut up about going out and having fun, telling the stories and sharing them all with other women, as well as the brave men who dare to understand the power of the girl within.

My palms are sweaty as I grip my bat, dig my heels into the dirt, and focus my vision on that opportunity that says "batter up." I see the prize of a solid hit, the sound of that cracking, slamming drive and the path this book will take. I'll drive it out into the world and see how high it will fly and where it lands.

And if the dream I have comes true, it will sail into the crowds and I'll have a home run. 

No matter what, I will have lived a dream and seen it come to fruition.

I do still believe, I do still dream and so I write.

 

me on bike