Three more days to wrestle with the final resolutions I made 362 days ago. To tell the truth, I don't remember what they were. If I wrote them down, I don't know where January's journal is. Nor do I care. I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. Once your feet hit the floor and your toes slip into your slippers, you're committed. You've left cozy dream land and all those fluffy warm blankets and soothing pillows that keep you floating away from reality and you're instantly adrift instead, into the cold morning air, and your worrisome waking mind; oh what a bitch she is if I don't rein her in!
Today she won. All of me. She claimed me at the pre-dawn glow when I daily mind-wrestle the holy and the unholy. One second I'm feeling dejected and worrisome, disappointed with all that IS, the next moment, I'm in awe of the swirling LOVE I feel when I'm in that just awakening state of bliss. Or blah. I have to deliberately reach out for bliss because blah is always sooo demanding of my thoughts!
This morning I slipped into blah, big time. Maybe I was due for a sloppy morning cry. Maybe it was plain and simple exhaustion at calling to mind 362 days of trying my best to progress! Maybe it was all that sugar I've been enjoying since Thanksgiving! But I confess, I didn't resist. I let her have her way and I wailed outloud to the FP (field of potentiality as author Pam Grout likes to call it.) I still call it The Great Listener, God, sometimes Goddess, sometimes Great Spirit, sometimes Universe, sometimes Me. That force of Energy that I know is ever present and ever listening and always waiting for my instructions. I moaned and groaned and had a pity parade for what didn't make sense, what was slow in coming (in my humble opinion) and what I'd lost and wished I still had, and I wailed about the picture in front of me that just didn't seem right!! And I'm tired, I cried! I've done the work, passed the tests, made the grade....haven't I???
All my assorted works-in-progress lay waiting for me on my desk, like a taskmaster. All that self-promoting I should be doing. All that social media fan-fare that would bring the results I'm hoping for. All that big smiling, happy facing, "because I'm happy" dancing I should be throwing myself into after my high-energy protein shake and one hour fitness routine that keeps me on top of the pile! Ugh. Today, double ugh.
No. No. No. I climbed out of my blanket hideout, slipped on my painting clothes from yesterday and prepared the kitchen for it's final coat. I turned on Pandora and lined up new music by Xavier Rudd, Iron and Wine, Ben Howard and Ali Farka Toure and of course, some Bruno Mars. Awesome new tunes. I cranked up the heat and pointed my paint brush towards finish.
Ending a year is as great a plan as beginning a new one. No matter what humble job lays before you, moving forward is all that matters. To measure ones' own progress is to always fall short. To leave the test results to the Higher Power that knows you and loves you so completely it makes your head spin is a nicer way to treat oneself. Nobody is as hard on me as me. My Bigger Self loves me; adores me, even when I whine.
As I held my brush firmly, and committed it to a fine job of keeping within the lines and making my kitchen shine, I felt a new dance flowing in from my feet to the top of me.
Today would be a paint day, a music day, a day to say no to obligations, and say yes to an easy completion. As the second coat dried, I took an hour spin on my bike into the waiting wilderness park. Bright sun, crisp fresh air and blue overhead cleared my murky mind and grey spirit.
Painting complete. Kitchen re-assembled.
Inspired to make dinner, I prepared a killer rib-eye steak with super-yummy garlic mashed potatoes and stir fry veggies for my sweetheart when he got home from work. T'was a successful day afterall.
It's so easy to flow and so difficult to force life. Maybe this should be my new year commitment to self. May the FLOW be with me. And make dinner for someone I LOVE.
Super-Yummy Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Peel ten small red potatoes. Cut into quarters. Boil until soft, about 15 min. Drain. Add 3 TBL butter and a 1/4-1/2 cup half and half. Add a heaping teas. of crushed garlic ( I buy mine in a jar, thank you Trade Joes). Mash to music.
Enjoy. And may your New Years joy-producing resolves be a whole lot more fun than any difficult resolutions you had in mind!